Your Most Important Habit
In my last blog, I pretty much confronted the idea that our habits dictate our lives for us, even when we aren’t aware that we have some habits. This means that there may be parts of our lives set to autopilot that we don't even like or that aren't supporting our desires, just because we aren't aware of the control we have over that habit! When we look at things like this, it’s pretty clear that we need to get aware of and take charge of our habits in order to live meaningful lives that are healthy, fulfilling, and impactful. Now, I’m sure we’re all aware of about 3 dozen “healthy habits” off the top of our heads that we may or may not need to spend time working on. But I’m not going to harp on the water drinking or the sugar intake or the working out… at least not today.
Today, I want to bring some awareness to a pivotal habit that is at the crux of almost everything that we do or experience in our lives. Literally SO MUCH is a reflection of this particular habit! It’s something that we maybe didn’t even realize was a habit. It’s the filter we send everything through to determine where things stand in our lives, how we feel about them, what they mean… even when we don’t know we’re doing it. It is the mirror for all of our relationships and our daily behaviors.
It’s our relationship with ourselves. Our self concept, sense of identity, and perception of self-worth.
“But, Amanda…our relationship to self isn’t a habit.”
YES. IT. IS.
In fact, all of our relationships are habits. I know I explained that habits are repetitive neural reactions that form strong automatic pathways in our brain, but when we add our human emotional associations and spiritual identity to that mix, we get relationships. Relationships are ‘a way of interaction between things' (people), just like a diet is ‘a way of eating’ or lifestyle is ‘a way of living.’ Therefore, the way we treat, interact with, speak to, and perceive our SELF is our relationship with ourselves.
We are the closest thing to us while we’re living on this earth. As a therapist and coach for over a decade, I have witnessed so many people bypassing themselves on their way to the next relationship, whether that is to a person, a job, a goal or something else. We completely negate OURSELF in our quest for a fulfilling, satisfying life. It’s like that old saying- we’re too close to the forest to see the tree. But, getting in touch with our internal dialogue, belief system and self-worth is THE crucial aspect to changing things in our lives. A negative or dysfunctional, or even neglected relationship to our self is often the reason changes don’t last very long before we slide right back into an old way of doing things. It’s often the source of conflict in other relationships in our lives, too!
Think about it- we know that thoughts/beliefs are the foundation for our feelings and that feelings impact our behaviors. This simple chain reaction becomes a dynamic web of cause and effect and cyclical influence in our lives on a wide spectrum of levels. The way we think about ourselves, and even deeper-how we interact with ourselves, is the starting point for how we make decisions, what we prioritize in our lives, how we treat others, and what we expect in life- good or not-so-good.
We need to get honest with ourselves about what kind of relationship we have with us. This is simultaneously the most uncomfortable and the most freeing challenge in the work I do with my clients, whether in therapy or coaching. And I wouldn't feel strongly enough about this to send an email through Awarding Life about it if I hadn't encountered it on repeat over the years. I don't think we ever fully conquer this challenge- it's our nature and the environment we live in that keeps us needing to come back and re-cultivate our self-respect. I am also in this journey, but I can point back to the MOMENT I realized that I liked me and tell you that it is one of the most crucial moments in my adult life.
From that moment on, I had to build that belief and invest in it with daily attention, intention and time. I talk about some of this process in my book, which exposes self-care as a spiritual practice. I'm sharing this as an encouragement and a challenge for you to look at the relationship you keep with yourself as a habit. Everything you do from waking to sleeping is an indication of that relationship and that relationship is a core driver of your life outcomes.
I want to hear from you. Email me and tell me… how do you feel about you?
